| | I am unsure if this is ever a good word (actually the only time this is good is when excersizing) but emotionally, spiritually, career - not a good thing. I am SO at a plateau right now & it sucks.
I have been separated from John for 5 months & I could totally have had a 2nd job for that amount of time & been on my way to Pennsylvania. What the hell is wrong with me?! It is making me doubt my move. When I was helping the Barnes move to Florida John had sent me a series of texts.
They said: "Are you sure you cannot come with me?"
"You will know when it is the right time"
At that point we had not told each other that we loved each other, heck I did not even know that I did love him.
Am I sure that I know this is the right time? This coming Sunday John & I will have been dating 8 months, I cannot believe that. It amazes me (in a good way) .
The logistics of moving to New Jersey/Pennsylvania are pretty much in order. All I need to figure out is paying my Greeley debt (which would have been taken care of had I been working a 2nd job) I really want to start Financial Peace University. The one thing getting in my way is that I do not know where I stand with GOD right now.
Actually, I do know where I stand with HIM & I know how I feel about HIM . What it is , is that I just do not know where I stand with myself or how I feel about myself. I was texting Chris earlier & I asked him if he knew who he was. (that has been the main thought in my head - who am I?) He replied that: his actions define what he is, how he is... well based on that answer & my actions last summer, I am a slut. Hmmm interesting. Since last summer Chris has told me that he knows that is not who I am. Man, that is confusing!
Is it that our sins define who we are? But once they are confessed what then? We are washed clean right? Then we are no longer that person?
So you can see my confusion. Like I have written before last summer definately changed me. I am still astounded at the change. I cannot wrap my head around the difference in me from before & after the summer.
Who the HECK am I?!?!
I wrote a question in my notebook a few months ago: "What Am I Passionate About?" This question still is unanswered. I know what I used to be passionate about, but that was a different stage in my life.
I try to focus these thoughts on GOD but then I just get stuck.
This weekend at church, we followed National Day of Prayer. There was one part where we confessed our sins & I realized that it had been awhile since I had done that. Why? Because it scared the heck out of me. Something that should be so freeing was not so much. It would make everything real, & then I would be washed clean, white as snow.
And then from there, can I answer the question of 'Who Am I?' |
| | Posted 6/2/2009 4:26 PM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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