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KINGofmyHeart
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Name: Jennifer
Country: United States
State: Colorado
Gender: Female
Interests: Colorado. Thrift Stores. Reading. Tennis. TarHeels. College Basketball. Chacos. CSI. Walks. Being Artsy. Fun Earrings. Smallville.Sleeping In. Writing. Iced Chai. Peppermint Whipped Cream. Cake. David Crowder. CCC Worship Team. JESUS.
Expertise: Creating - Encouraging - Making Lists - Sinning
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
AIM:  alaskalovesjesus
Yahoo:  alaskalovesjesus24
Member Since:
4/7/2005
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| ::GO::There are so many things in my head right now. They are all smashing into each other, trying to find a cozy place to lay back & nestle. I am just sitting here, staring into space, trying to grasp what is in my head, trying to separate these thoughts.
It just seems impossible at the moment. What it is adding up to is that I am unhappy. And that is all I can think about. How do I become happy? People say that money does not buy happiness but right now it sure would cheer me up.
This past week was insane. I made the decision 2 weeks ago that I would buy a one way plane ticket for July 6 or 7. That I am just going to GO. I would rather be struggling money wise 20 miles away from John than 1800 miles away from John.
John is very much about the numbers. So the idea of telling him my decision was pretty intense. So on Tuesday, after a long day of story time & helping a friend with her grandkids, I told John. That resulted in a pretty intense conversation. After we got off the phone I just knelt on the floor and cried. It was insane. Well my friend came into the room & asked me how I was doing. I gave her a brief description of the conversation. And from that she began to tell me how her husband did all of these things for her when they were dating & how she does not understand why if John & I are in love, why we do not just get married & how her kids handled their relationships .
Uh… wtf? Stop judging what you do not know! You do not even know John!
That just made it worse. & Of course I was staying there for 2 days to help with the grandkids. How do you help someone out after a conversation like that? Of course I love those little kids so it was easy to focus on them & to do a good job with them.
That night I woke up at 2 am with a very horrible headache that stayed with me for the whole day. I definitely over medicated myself but the pain would not go away.
It had been awhile since I talked to Chris. He had surgery & other things I guess. I told him about this bad day & that no matter what I need to leave Greeley. My life here is over. It is time for something new. I need to start my life where it is just me & then just me & John. Chris asked me where Jesus was in all of this. .. Uhm , well.
I have been talking to GOD but have not been investing much time into that relationship. Right now I am feeling the same way I did this time last summer. That is pretty scary. I have a friend who gets depressed in the winter time. And another friend who gets sad around Easter. I am thinking that summer is my time.
My friend Kristin wrote on her Facebook status that she has a heavy heart & is choosing to set her mind on things of eternal value… Oh how perfect.
This is my last day video switching for Christ Community. I love this job & I hope to do something like it again soon. It is time.
I am packing this week. I am just getting on a plane & going in 3 weeks.
With like 100 dollars in my pocket.
It is exciting & scary. | | |
| Just Was Not Tired I Guess...ArghThis Is What I Did Last Night...  | | |
| Favorite ThingsSome things in my room that make me happy, especially since I am not fond of where I live =)
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| Not So Bads(I changed Thankful Tuesday to Not So Bads) 1. the possibility of July 6th 2. playing devils advocate with John (we were cracking up last night) 3. John Olsen leading worship 4. baking with LiAnne 5. Britany , oh I am so glad for her friendship 6. These pictures of BWack - 
**for those of you who do not know (& shame on you for not knowing!) , BWack is the drummer (not tuba player) for David Crowder Band...** | | |
| PLATEAUI am unsure if this is ever a good word (actually the only time this is good is when excersizing) but emotionally, spiritually, career - not a good thing. I am SO at a plateau right now & it sucks.
I have been separated from John for 5 months & I could totally have had a 2nd job for that amount of time & been on my way to Pennsylvania. What the hell is wrong with me?! It is making me doubt my move. When I was helping the Barnes move to Florida John had sent me a series of texts.
They said: "Are you sure you cannot come with me?"
"You will know when it is the right time"
At that point we had not told each other that we loved each other, heck I did not even know that I did love him.
Am I sure that I know this is the right time? This coming Sunday John & I will have been dating 8 months, I cannot believe that. It amazes me (in a good way) .
The logistics of moving to New Jersey/Pennsylvania are pretty much in order. All I need to figure out is paying my Greeley debt (which would have been taken care of had I been working a 2nd job) I really want to start Financial Peace University. The one thing getting in my way is that I do not know where I stand with GOD right now.
Actually, I do know where I stand with HIM & I know how I feel about HIM . What it is , is that I just do not know where I stand with myself or how I feel about myself. I was texting Chris earlier & I asked him if he knew who he was. (that has been the main thought in my head - who am I?) He replied that: his actions define what he is, how he is... well based on that answer & my actions last summer, I am a slut. Hmmm interesting. Since last summer Chris has told me that he knows that is not who I am. Man, that is confusing!
Is it that our sins define who we are? But once they are confessed what then? We are washed clean right? Then we are no longer that person?
So you can see my confusion. Like I have written before last summer definately changed me. I am still astounded at the change. I cannot wrap my head around the difference in me from before & after the summer.
Who the HECK am I?!?!
I wrote a question in my notebook a few months ago: "What Am I Passionate About?" This question still is unanswered. I know what I used to be passionate about, but that was a different stage in my life.
I try to focus these thoughts on GOD but then I just get stuck.
This weekend at church, we followed National Day of Prayer. There was one part where we confessed our sins & I realized that it had been awhile since I had done that. Why? Because it scared the heck out of me. Something that should be so freeing was not so much. It would make everything real, & then I would be washed clean, white as snow.
And then from there, can I answer the question of 'Who Am I?' | | |
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